A Stress Free Weekend...

How about this fabulous cabin on the beach?  It's in Pacific City, Oregon on 27 acres of beautiful landscape, it has a lake and is a short walk to the beach.  And it's all ours... well for 4 days anyway.  It's called the Caring Cabin and it's owned by the Children's Cancer Association.  It's available to families who have children with cancer... lucky us huh?

This is a time for us to act as if nothing is wrong and have a great weekend that we otherwise could not afford.  We are going to pretend that our son's little body, along with our lives as we knew it, our bank account and our spirits were not ravaged by cancer. We are going to put all that aside and just enjoy a special time together.  This weekend will mark six months since Jesse's diagnosis.  Our family has been through a lot in these months and this time will give us an opportunity to take a small break from that.  Our life is not where I though it would be after our move to Oregon and it's been difficult to just take each doctor appointment as it comes.  The fear of the unknown is the greatest fear of all I've decided.

Don't get me wrong... with the exception of the first 8 weeks or so, Jesse really has done well.  He's not been too sick, he's tolerated the chemo, had a good response and he's been able to do most things as if he didn't have cancer.  But, that hasn't stopped me from obsessing and being scared and worrying.  Most of the time I'm able to keep things in perspective and not let my emotions get out of control.... but sometimes, if I allow myself to think about things for too long... I get really scared and upset and can't stop the tears...  the dam gets full I guess.  I'm really looking forward to a weekend away from reality.  I think everyone who carries much stress should take time and give yourself permission to put your burden down for a minute.  I hope my whole family can do the same this weekend.

Jesse's next big scan is March 6th.  I can't really imagine it being anything other than good news, but, I also can't really escape the fear that it's not...  I guess only time will tell, but for this weekend...  I won't allow myself to worry about it...   

Here's hoping for good weather, but not really caring what we get...  

Don't worry, be happy!!

What's the deal with the Bachelor?

Okay... I am definately not into reality TV.. To be honest I have never watched the stuff before.  Oh sure, I have seen an episode every now and again...  I watched the last two episodes of American Idol last season to see which of those two cute David's would be the next American Sweetheart...  Once I even watched an entire season of Nashville Star in one day.  It was a marathon on one of the cable channels during the off season I guess...  Even then I couldn't stop the nagging feeling that I was wasting my entire day and probably a few brain cells too...

So tell me this.. How did I get hooked on The Bachelor this season...?  I'm totally in love with Jason and I can't wait to see what will happen each Monday night.  I realize that even though they call it "reality TV" it's still just TV and made up, and creatively edited to keep us involved and coming back each week... BUT I can't stand how much I need to know which girl he will choose!!  I don't even really care....  I just want to know...  Is it just me?

As if tuning in every Monday night is not a big enough waste of my time I just spent and hour on the internet searching for a spoiler..  I mean the season finished taping last November for crying out loud!!  Isn't there a girl missing somewhere??  Hiding in seclusion for months until she can come out and call herself the girlfriend?  Aren't people in her home town talking?  I've searched all the spoiler sights I can find... but to no avail...  This is the age of information -  NOW!  Should I not be able to find the answers I'm looking for? Isn't that the purpose of the internet? Admittedly, this is my first stalker-type situation, so maybe I'm just not good at it.  I even found myself staying up an hour later than usual last night because the local news channel was going to have a 30 second blip about the series and I was hoping I could find a little clue... again I was shut down...

This is my fist love affair with reality TV so I don't know if my feelings are a bit overly obsessive... or if this is the response that producers are looking for when making such emotionally uncomfortable, made for TV reality shows... If anyone has any information, please...  help me out here..  

I know this for sure...  I'm going to put my foot down and never get sucked into this sort of thing again... maybe...  I think anyway... 

What is love?

Have you ever wondered what exactly LOVE is...?  I mean, you know who you love...  you know, (for the most part) who loves you...  but what if you meet someone new and you think you feel love... how do you really know? 

I looked up the word "love" in my handy dandy dictionary...  Truthfully, the definition it gave me makes me think I love everyone... (which sometimes I think I think I do so it's good to know that I'm correct)  Webster's uses many word like affection, attachment, desire, admiration... words that seem sort of generic for such a significant word...  The deepest definition, which I felt at least attempted to give good meaning was #3a: ~unselfish concern that freely accepts another in loyalty and seeks his good. Even this definition seems simple...  Why so much confusion over something that seems so natural?

With this question on my mind I decided to consult the Good Book.. The Bible.  Who knows more about love than God himself right?  I find a definition that at least makes me think the word 'love' is a bit more serious than Webster's theory.. (sorry my friend).  Although, still basic and nothing to be afraid of...

The bible calls love our greatest gift....

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; loves does not parade itself; is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; love never fails.....

~1 corinthians 13: 4-8

Of course it goes on to say lots of things about who we should love and how...  It's a great handbook on the subject really...  But my purpose here is to just determine how do you know when you feel love?  Is it's real?

Here's what I think.... and feel free to add your own, I would love to hear it...

If you can't wait to see  someone at the end of the day... It's real..

If you are sad when they have a bad day, or are sick, or hurt... It's real..

If they get to spend time with a family member or friend without you... and you are happy for them... it's real..

If you smile when you get a phone call, e-mail or text... It's real..

If you can easily come up with 29 great things to say about them on their birthday... It's real..

If they say they liked your burnt dinner and eat seconds... it's real..

If they stay up with you all night long because you are sad, just to shower and go to work... it's real..

If you are always happy to see that special someone.... it's real..

If you feel a need to check on someone you haven't heard from for a while... It's real..

If they take a whole day off to drive you to the doctor... it's real..

If you drive an hour out of your way just for a kiss or a hug...  it's real..

If you feel the need to cry when it's time to say good-bye for a while... It's real..

If you feel the need to cry when you finally get to see someone you miss... it's real..

If you have an aching feeling that you can't get close enough to that special someone... it's real..

When you find yourself saying over and over... "I've never felt like this before..." it's real..

Oh, sure there are many other ways to tell if it's real, as well as different kinds of love I know... But I couldn't find anything that said it only means..  physical attraction, or lust, or that we have the ability to love only one person...  I don't think love needs to be complicated.. it only needs to be genuine... to have feelings for another person that are similar to the two definitions above.  I'm talking about the basic fundemental core meaning of the word, the stuff all types of love are built upon..  I don't think we should be afraid to identify our feelings as love if that's what they are.  

I don't believe in love at first sight necessarily... but I do believe, not always, but sometimes, it's possible to meet someone, spend a short amount of time getting to know them and be positive that on some level you love them and always will... 

I love many people outside my husband, kids and other family... I have many friends and co-workers that I feel love for...  people who fall under Webster's definition for sure...  So to everyone who has ever heard me say "I love you" please know that after careful thought and consideration... I can honestly say...  I mean it..

This Valentines day...  I think we should all take the time to shoot the people we love a small Valentine message and tell them we love them...  Unfortunately, you never know when they might not be with us... Life is so often unpredictable and random...  take every opportunity you can to tell those you do, that you love them...  Don't be afraid... Just do it!!

Love is not a feeling... It's an ability

        ~ Marty,   

           Dan in Real Life

P.S.  - To the one I stole this music from~  I couldn't find a more appropriate song, though I did try... and it is what started me thinking about this subject anyway.  Please forgive me.

Markelle's Weekend

Markelle Rae Frei

December 16, 1995 ~ February 10, 2006

To everything there is a season.  A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born,  and a time to die:

A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted:

A time to kill, and a time to heal:

A time to break down, and a time to build up:

A time to weep, and a time to laugh:

A time to mourn, and a time to dance:

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones:

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing:

A time to gain, and a time to loose:

A time to keep, and a time to throw away:

A time to tear, and a time to sew:

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak:

A time to love, and a time to hate:

A time of war, and a time of peace.

~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8~

The time for all of these things is now.  This weekend will be the 3rd annual "Girls Weekend" for myself, Heidi, Amy, and Jamie.  The term "Girl's Weekend" might have some thinking about the Vegas strip or Girls Gone Wild...  But our purpose is very different from that.

For us, a loss that cannot be labeled binds us and weights on our hearts.  Markelle, my neice, Heidi's daughter, Amy's precious patient and Jamie's cousin, entered the gates of heaven on February 10, 2006. We said our final good-bye and had the most wonderful farewell and tribute to her on Valentines Day. Each year we come together on the anniversary of her death to remember her and spend much needed time grieving.

Markelle was the most incredible spirit.  So full of life.  Her very smile made you want to be a better person.  She literally touched each and every life she came into contact with and left a footprint in your heart that will never be forgotten.

Markelle loved being together as a family more than anything.  She loved watching the babies play as well as hanging out with her much older girlfriends... her mom... Jamie and Amy mostly... but also her other nurses and caregivers.  She was on a level that made her compatible with all ages.  She loved art, and baby dolls and pajamas.  She loved camping and watching TV, and she loved being just like her big sister Mikalie.

For the four of us....  How do we move on after loosing someone so special?  The answer is... we don't... We can get a job, start school, have more babies, move to another state, get married, do all the things we need to do in order to get through life... even enjoying and loving a good part of it,  but somewhere inside us, time stands still and at least a part of us will be always be in February of 2006.  This weekend gives us the opportunity to return to our grief and share it in a safe place.  Together we share our memories, our happiness, our regrets and make a new pledge to raise our kids with as much knowledge of Markelle as possible, to keep her memory fresh.  

On the first anniversary, we felt like it was very important to get Heidi away from the stresses of her own life and give her an opportunity to focus only on herself...  The rest of us realized how much it helped us too..  No matter where we are, or what we are doing, we will always gather early in February for what has become a very precious time... 

So... We will come together tomorrow to eat, drink, cry, laugh and enjoy just being together in a time we choose to set aside to honor Markelle.  

Read Markelle's Obituary. 

Markelle didn't need to be a mom to bring life into our family...  

Markelle's name lives on...  Addison Rae

Goodbye again precious butterfly...

Groundhog Day!

Each year on February 2nd Punxsutawney Phil pops out and predicts whether we will be having 6 more weeks of winter or if summer is on the way...  Yesterday he said....  6 more weeks of winter.  Bummer.  I was really looking forward to putting away the sweaters and breaking out the sunscreen.  Here are a few facts about Punxsutawney Phil..  Who lives in Punxsutawney Pennsylvania and is the original and ONLY true weather predicting groundhog..

•  Yes! Punxsutawney Phil is the only true weather forecasting groundhog. The others are just impostors.
  
•   How often is Phil's prediction correct? 100% of the time, of course!
  
•  How many "Phils" have there been over the years? There has only been one Punxsutawney Phil. He has been making predictions for over 120 years!
  
•  Punxsutawney Phil gets his longevity from drinking the "elixir of life," a secret recipe. Phil takes one sip every summer at the Groundhog Picnic and it magically gives him seven more years of life.
  
•  On February 2, Phil comes out of his burrow on Gobbler's Knob - in front of thousands of followers from all over the world - to predict the weather for the rest of winter.
  
•  According to legend, if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter weather. If he does not see his shadow, there will be an early spring.
  
•  No! Phil's forecasts are not made in advance by the Inner Circle. After Phil emerges from his burrow on February 2, he speaks to the Groundhog Club president in "Groundhogese"(a language only understood by the current president of the Inner Circle). His proclamation is then translated for the world.
  
•  The celebration of Groundhog Day began with Pennsylvania's earliest settlers. They brought with them the legend of Candlemas Day, which states, "For as the sun shines on Candlemas Day, so far will the snow swirl in May..."
  
•  Punxsutawney held its first Groundhog Day in the 1800s. The first official trek to Gobbler's Knob was made on February 2, 1887.
  
•  So the story goes, Punxsutawney Phil was named after King Phillip. Prior to being called Phil, he was called Br'er Groundhog.

There you go, Everything you wanted to know about Groundhog day and more... Hang in there, only 6 more weeks till the warmth of the sun will grace us again...  You can count on it because Phil said so... ;-)